Zombie eaters from Mars...

The Canada Diaries (Week 3)

If i could use just one word to sum up the past 7 days, i believe EPIC would be appropriate. My third week of being here became a blur of alcohol, wings, pimps and hoes…but more on that later.

As i write this i cant help but feel a little disheartened, for the first time since leaving Australia reality has firmly started to sink into my hungover brain. 21 days have past and yet i still dont have a job locked in, the past little while i have just been brushing it off as such, assuming more so than knowing that there’s light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a 9-5…this morning made me think otherwise. After checking my bank statements ive learnt that im kinda fucked if i dont get into the workforce soon, its been eating at me all day; i couldnt even step up and hand resumes out today which has really sucked.

Before i start sounding too depressed ill try and recall the past few days but bare with me cos i cant remember much of it due to my old friend Mr. Tequila.

As before mentioned im still unemployed, its shitty but i kinda have my own self to blame, last week i was constantly distracted by alcohol and good times; i always pride myself on putting work first but the thought of fun got the best of me on several occassions last week. In between beers i managed to get to my interview for a job at Flight Centre, i felt as though i had done well enough to warrant the position but 3 days on and im yet to get a call back…fuckers.

Im beginning to feel like this move could have been a bad idea, not for myself but for my liver, it feels like no matter what social event im at im drinking…playing pool why not have a beer?? Having lunch why not have a beer?? Taking a shower, sure a beer sounds great. Seriously though last week capped two massive nights for myself and the limey trio as we hit the town on Wednesday and followed up by checking out a pimps and hoes party on Saturday night.

Our Wednesday session started slow with a few pints and a side of pool at the Fox and Fiddle, a nice Irish themed pub with reasonably priced beer and a relaxed atmosphere. After about 2 hours we grew tired of that place and Rich, the more open minded of the 4 of us convinced us to venture to a place called the Bovine Sex Club, truth be told i had no idea what i was getting myself into. I was expecting some hectic orgy to greet me but instead the bar was fairly dead apart from a few Marliyn Manson wannabes floating around drinking virgins blood, or maybe it was gin??

Anyyywaayysss we ended up bailing on that crudhole and moving onto an old faithful we became acquanted with the week before, Sneaky f’n Dees. The beers just kept flowing here and by 3am we got kicked out…not until we had a massive plate of their famous nachos; seriously go there, get the nachos, its like an orgasm in the form of chips, beef, cheese, chilli and guacamole.

An early morning 4am phone call from my entire family back home was a little confusing, being drunk and half asleep made it hard to conjure up a decent conversation but man it felt great to hear all their voices again. Waking up at 1pm the next day it felt like i was run over by a TTC rail car, my head was throbbing and for some reason my shirt and jacket where covered in bits of nachos, someone was a little drunker than i remember. After a massive shower and a litre of water i was somewhat ready to take on the world.

My goals for what was left of Thursday was to try organise two key purchases and also to track down some chinese food. After several calls and emails i had arranged for the things i needed, a pimp ass black leather sofa and the almighty xbox 360. Kinda looking back on it now that money wouldve been better served as emergency funds in the coming weeks…meh such is life. Rich and i ended up settling for this place called King Noodle in Chinatown, the place was packed out and we ended up getting paired with a random elderly couple visiting from Chicago, i think they were a little taken back by us but slowly warmed to the scruffy pair from overseas. We chatted constantly for the next 45 minutes while savouring the roast pork noodle soup which was to die for. At the conclusion of lunch we said our goodbyes and realised they paid for our lunch as well…probably the nicest thing ive witnessed in a long time.

Just realised i wrote “to die for” man that sounded gay.

Fast track to late Friday evening and i now am the proud owner of a heavily modded xbox 360 with a stack of games and also the pimpest leather couch around. Are you jealous?? Cos you should be…

Moving onto Saturday and this is where the truly epicness starts, several predrinks at the Insane Asylum got us all well on the way to being drunk before we even ventured out on the town. See the plan for the evening was that we hit up a place called Bread and Circus in Kensington for a pimps and hoes party, we were all a little unsure of how it would go as our last Kensington experience was about as fun as sticking knives in your eyes. A few beers in my housemate Tanya decided it was her mission to make us look like the pimpingest pimps we could be, a few feathered boas, giant pimp hats and a couple of silver teeth later we were ready to partay. Stepping outside i quickly found out that i looked more like Willy Wonka than a pimp and Rich resembled more of a gay cowboy…this night was gonna be interesting.

The night nearly ended prematurely as Rich got caught drinking beers on the tram and was sternly threatened by the driver…bloody poms.

Walking into B&C i didnt know what we were gonna expect, stepping through the doors i noticed several rival pimps who im sure were jealous of my silver fronts and also some of the sexiest looking hoes this pimp had ever seen. We strutted straight to the bar and Harry the scientist pimp ordered us a round of blue balls, some bright blue concoction completed with actual blue berries. A few buckets of beers later i found myself drinking body shots off the topless bartenders chest, to make things more difficult it was a depth charge dropped into a glass of whipped cream and i wasnt allowed to use my hands…*insert brendans face covered in baileys and cream here*.

I didnt think my night could get any better after my failed body shot attempt but boy was i wrong, vodka in hand i witnessed my first ever burlesque show, tasteful nudity is definately intriguing to say the least.

It seemed the drunker i got the louder i got, from various retellings from the boys i was apparently shouting most of the people at the bar drinks all night, i can vaguely recall those events but my mind goes blank around the tequila shots myself and an attractive hoe indulged in. Waking up on Sunday it felt the roof had caved in on me, my eyes were redder than a match head and my neck was itchy due to the fact i feel asleep fully clothed; pimp hat, shoes and boa included. It appears that i was hungry at 4am and decided to eat half a loaf of bread, the remainders scattered around my room and through my bed like yeasty reminders of last nights craziness. Having no idea how i got home i had to try piece the rest of my night together, after some hungover detective work i found out the friendly bar staff arranged for a taxi to take me home, god bless them hoes.

Sunday at Hooters was pretty intense, recalling various highlights of the night before certainly was an eye opening. My highlight would have to be hearing about Harry the scientist pimp ending up coked off his brain at a random house party and spending his down time at the dirtiest strip club known to man while enjoying his not 1 but 10 packs of Jolly Ranchers.

Saturday night i finally stepped out of my shell and befriended many a pimp and hoe, from what i can remember it was an amazing night which im unlikely to top anytime soon.

God i love Toronto

The Canada Diaries (Week 2)

Well here i am again, round two of my rant sessions about life in Canada, as per usual i dont know how structured this will be but i figure its MY blog so you can all just deal with it haha. Ok here goes…

I think this was the week were i finally overcame my jetlag, the first few nights i was sleeping minimal amounts and the constant buzz of the nocturnal city did nothing for me, i wasted hours tossing and turning in bed but then seemingly overnight it all went away…it probably had something to do with me finding some permanent accomodation on Queen Street and for those in the know this street is amazing, right in the heart of downtown with a huge array of clubs and pubs to choose from. I have a pretty sweet deal at my new place, for under $600 a month everything is paid for and im 5 minutes to the Eaton Centre. I share the place with a couple of very alternative people and their possibly semi retarded two cats, it truly is the Insane Asylum as stated on our front door.

Even though my housemates might look like ex members of Poison they are great people, i have a strong feeling Andraj (i think thats how you spell it) is residing in Toronto illegally, hes a crazy European dude with fluro pink hair and juggles his time building computers and making home made moonshine…which i might add would probably wake the dead. The decor of my house is far from normal with bright coloured rooms, strange art and a basement that wouldnt look out of place in the latest Saw film; its a unique place to live but i gotta admit i love it.

I have to admit having a permanent roof over my head is a massive relief, living in the Hostel of the Damned can definately break a mans spirit, a place that is usually seen as sociable sounds like a fun place to meet people but the truth is everyone that seems to inhabit that place hated the world.

So after a week and a bit myself and my 3 English comrades have all locked in accomodation, the original plan was to find a 4 bedroom place for all of us but that feel through somewhere between meeting Frank the scattered landlord who also had a weed crop out the back of his place and travelling 2.5 hours to the ridiculously creepy Drewry Avenue only to realise the house wasnt up for rent for another month…deadset Drewry Avenue looked like a scene straight out of The Amityville Horror AVOID THAT PLACE LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Oh and thanks Harry for taking us there you limey twat :P

To be completely honest the past week was a bit of a write off in the job hunt front, i landed a few interviews with some of the temporary work agencies but due to mystery “illnesses” i have postponed most of them. I can blame that on my stubborness and pride as im still having a hard time adjusting to the minimum wage bracket here in Canada, back in Australia you would earn around $16p/h but over here youre looking at the depressing rate of $9.50p/h, i think the last time i earned that amount i was 14 working at Monaro Books and Music *sigh*

It looks like at least for the meantime ill be working at Flight Centre at the Eaton, the money is fairly poor but i figure at this point in time beggars cant be choosers. If anyone needs cheap holidays hit me up!!!

An important thing ive come to realise in the past week is that Craigs List totally sucks ass if youre hunting for jobs, alot of adverts are misleading and the majority of the time you dont hear back from your potential employer, i find that completely rude; they could at least have the decency to write back saying sorry or something. Hitting the streets seems to be the best means of finding a j.o.b here as it straight away eliminates the guess work and gives you a more definitive answer to your chances.

Alot of people seem to be screaming for staff but so far ive found that not many businesses want to employ a scruffy looking Aussie dude, im still secretly holding out for a bar job as in this country its the best way to make them papers…several hundred dollars a night at some places.

Now all i need is some actual bar experience apart from drinking at one…

A few useful websites i have found are www.deal-bar.com which is quite possibly the cheapest place anywhere to buy anything electronic, $300 LCD tvs ummm yes please, also hit www.monster.ca for jobs and such, its an easy to use site thats chock full of just about every career possible.

Im beginning to get my barings in regards to where everything is, the boys and i seem to spend waaaayyy too much time in Chinatown where the food is amazing, the health care is minimal and the DVDs are far from legal. Seriously though Chinatown is great, its a good place to pick up bargains on just about anything, fresh produce, bedding, corny Canadian souvenirs and even 100% (ill)legal Visas for the low price of $9.99. Also found the best place to buy porn in Toronto, 5 titles for $20…even though id NEVER EVERRRRRR watch porn its something to keep in mind.

The past few days the weather has been great, sunny and cloud free hitting highs of 18 degrees which everyone seems to embrace as a heat wave here. I know that these “boiling hot” days are quickly coming to an end and think they are merely the calm before the storm. The locals i speak to about winter tell me stories of minus 20 degree temperatures and evil snow yettis…well maybe not yettis more so probably homeless bums cos my lord there are like 50 gazillion of those buggers roaming around asking for coin.

I actually got jedi mind tricked by a rather clever bum the other day, wandering down King Street i was betted $1 that he could guess where i got my shoes, i felt this was a surefire win cos how in the hell could he guess i got them from Foot Locker in Blacktown?? Little did i know he would respond with “you got your shoes on your feet; I walked away a defeated man…

Bum: 1
Brendan: 0

The last week has been a bit hard at times as both my sisters and mums birthdays have fallen while ive been here, really sux cos special occasions like birthdays and christmas are big family gatherings that i sadly wont be part of now…just thinking about a christmas alone drags me down so much Baahhh Humbug.

For the first time in over 2 weeks i had Vegemite toast last night, it was heaven in my mouth which nearly brought tears to my eyes…well that parts a bit of a lie but man it was good. Alot of people over here try to compare it to Marmite stupid fools thats like comparing Coke to Pepsi. That plentiful meal of toast was my first home cooked meal since arriving here, the past 2 weeks has been take out central consisting of Pizza Pizza, Taco Shack, A&W, Pizza Pizza, Hot Dogs and several cheap side street Asian places…surprisingly ive lost weight since being here as im currently functioning on a meal a day due to the ridiculously BIG portions you are given…inferiority complex anyone??

The World Elite are slowly chipping away at finding the good bars around T-O and so far my favourite has to be Sneaky Dees, Rich and I rolled into that place last Thursday at 2pm and left 15 or so beers later at 11pm, the service and atmosphere in that pub is great and upstairs they regularly have live gigs on. Upon leaving Sneakys my mind is a lil hazy but ill recall the night as best as i can. We ended up at a place called The Tap which seemed ok, nothing amazing went down there apart from some random girl claiming i was an old friend of hers and deciding its best she buys as all shots. In between beers and Sambucca my old friend thought it would be a brilliant idea to try wow us with her singing ability or lack of. After 10 excruciating minutes of the worst music i had ever heard it was time to move on…especially when she realised she didnt know me and tried to stick us with the $100 tab we notched up.

I cant really remember the rest of the night from there, from what ive been told we went to a place called Lees Palace which sucked more balls than a Taiwanese call girl. I can vaguely recall dancing up a storm with Rich though, for those who dont know me i havent got 2 left feet i got 4 left hands so picture that with a belly full of booze and it paints a pretty good picture on that dance floor.

We have quickly made a few ongoing plans between us boys, the main one being Sunday football at Hooters; seriously who doesnt want to watch football, drink beers, eat wings and be served by attractive women?? I like the atmosphere in that place (without sounding like too much of a sleeze) its a cool place to just chill out with mates, the muscly neanderthal guys that frequent the place can piss off though…deadset its like sharks in a feeding frenzy there, talking and looking at the girls like a side order to their Buffalo wings…really sickens me how some people can just see an attractive person solely for their looks.

Another thing that shits me is how egomaniac wankers like i mentioned before can get girls?? Seriously i feel sometimes that nice guys do indeed finish last.

Im off to try work out where to sign up for the Canadian Football League, wish me luck peoples.

The Canada Diaries (Week One)

Well here i am, first stint at putting my new life into words in bright, sunny Toronto im aiming at writing a week by week rundown of how things are here to hopefully give you all a perspective on the biggest city in Canada. Ill be as truthful as possible so i should probably mention that the terms bright and sunny dont really apply here at this point in time…but more on that shortly.

Going right back to the start of my most excellent journey saw me spending way too much time doing nothing, a total of 37 hours worth of travel time saw me take in such beautiful sites like Sydney, Taipei and even Vancouver…ill admit theres only so much you can do in airport terminals especially when youre operating on little sleep and even less morale. It was like a breath of fresh air greeted me when i (finally) arrived in Toronto at 6am, my sleep deprived body promptly awoken by temperature (or lack of) and wind levels that would wake the dead.The trip was off to a bad start, me on no sleep doesnt really equal happy times but once i picked the icicles off my face i did my best to keep on smiling.

After a rather scenic bus ride i ended up at the Global Village Backpackers right in the heart of downtown Toronto, in my zombie like state i was nearly collected by a tram within 5 seconds of being in the city but i had made it, after several months of planning i was here, a million miles from home but i was here and it kinda scared me a lil bit. Upon entering the hostel my heart sank as i was given the news that my booking was messed up and no longer had a reservation, my trip was certainly off to a far from rad start. The counter guy at the hostel made some tweaks in his system and i ended up with a bed in a 4 person room…a room that is still empty after 5 days.

I ended up slipping into a minor coma that morning, 19 hours later i woke up at 5am ready to attack the day…too bad the day doesnt seem to start til 10am in Canada. An overly long shower and being unable to decide on what t shirt to wear ended up killing some time and then i was off to the SWAP office (the help agency for working migrants to Toronto). For a change i was on time but the staff at SWAP werent, i headed over to a diner across the street called Reggies (amazing turkey and cranberry sandwich i must say) and was offered a job on the spot, was definately a well needed pick me up…i dont fancy myself as much of a diner dude but hell ill do what i have to to make them papers.

Walking into the SWAP office was a bit of a culture shock, i felt like i was on the set for Michael Jacksons “Black or White” video, every nationality in existence filled the room all grinding away chasing work and accomodation and also much too busy to socialise with a heavily tattooed Australian boy. Roxanne gave me the run down on everything here, what they offer, the general lay of the land and answered all my questions without a hassle. I had nothing i could really do so i set out to achieve two things that day, bank account and the ever important cell phone.

Two blocks away on Queen St TD Bank had an account set up for me in about 5 minutes flat and even gave me my access card then and there…one down one to go. Navigating my way to the Eaton Centre to source phones was about as simple as my mission to marry Hayden Panettiere (god damn shes beautiful) but due to my never say die attitude i arrived at the once biggest shopping mall in the world. Ill be completely honest but walking through those double doors i wasnt very impressed, 3 levels doesnt make that big of a mall…hell dirty ass Blacktown in Sydney has 5 levels; little did i know that theres this thing called PATH which is an underground shopping district that runs all over downtown. I ended up being suckered in by a sales rep at Fido who could no doubt sell ice to eskimos and morals to prostitutes, dodgey in stature and demeanour but my god the man could talk. Ive never been one to settle for cheap so me being me just HAD to have an iPhone…hell for $60 a month with nearly unlimited everything who could say no??

Thursday signalled my official SWAP orientation which dragged on worse than a church service, 1.5 hours was nearly too much for me but was essential if you want to get paid as its the only way you can get your Social Insurance Number. The only other good thing was that i made new friends (YAY!!) my motley crew had begun 1 Aussie, 3 whingy Poms and 2 Irishman. The 6 of us although alike in alot of ways all have very distinct personalities, Rich and Chris are two chilled out dudes who are alot like myself, heavily into music just like myself we gel pretty well; while Harry is the scientist among us, hes a serious dude with a personality dryer than a packet of Saos. Jack and Paul i dont know overly well, Paul’s the silent assassin and Jack seems like a happy go lucky dude…either way its great having some companions to help disect this city with…watch out Toronto the World Elite are here.

God damn that was lame haha.

Friday through Sunday was try find housing and work days, the constant flow of cheap beer (ILY Moosehead) kinda haulted my progress but as they say all work and no play makes Brendan unhappy. I chucked my resumes everywhere i could think of, clothing stores, record stores…even a few adult retailers which i just have to go back to check out, seriously who wouldnt want to work at a place called The Brass Rail?? I believe thats some kind of metaphor for Gods penis or something. Before the drunkness could officially get underway i wanted to finalise accomodation as we all know a roof is most important to enable one stays dry while playing Xbox 360 (if you want my gamertag feel free to ask, ill pwn you though). I believe ive found the place for me, right in the heart of downtown on Queen Street living with a couple of definate characters. I cant remember their names right now but what i do remember is their rather unique take on decor and the fact that the dude was some 40 year of dude from a foreign land with long fluro pink hair…residing there would certainly be an experience.

Until moving to Toronto i had no idea just how big Halloween was over this side of the pond but holy crap i worked it out quick smart. People here dress up days before Halloween and just about every shop i went into was decorated from top to bottom; and the craziest thing is that people dont just wear a cheap ass plastic mask they go all out, head to toe costumes that rival the real thing; i saw the most realistic drug dealers roaming the streets.

Halloween night itself is like a festival, the streets filled with various ninja turtles, sailor moons, ghostbusters and beetle juices, bars packed out pouring an endless amount of warmth and happiness…me and the British boys started fairly early back at the hostel with a few jugs of Moosehead, we spoke at lengths about how amazing this night would be but come 2am it was as far from amazing as possible. We had two main plans for that night, the first being a place called Sneaky Dees on Bathurst and College and my proposed destination of Maddys up near the uni. Sneakys is an alternative type club that is split level with live music and drinks kickin on til 2am, Maddys from what ive been told is the uni bar of Toronto where all the sorority girls go…god i love sorority girls. First stop was Sneakys as it was apparently no cover charge…we arrived at the back of a line longer than the Maple Leafs win loss differential and i was not impressed to say the least. Just by chance we befriended a girl in the know by the name of Tamara, i think she might have been a distant relative of that sales guy from Fido as she made it sound like we were gonna be partying at the garden of eden but instead ended up at the ass crack of society.

It might just be me but i officially hate Kensington, its the worst place ive been to in a long, long while and if i never go back there again ill be a happy boy. Some people might like the underground raw punk rock feel of the area but it just annoyed me. The first bar we went to wasnt that bad, super cheap beer (bucket of 5 for $10) so id probably go there for predrinks or something…Crown and Tiger i think it was called. Next stop was a place called Ronnies which looked like a crack den with a bar chucked in the loungeroom, i battled through one beer there and wanted to get outta there before the crack heads came home. From there it went from bad to someone please kill me. Ill be brief but these bars made Ronnies look like Disneyland. 2am couldnt come around quick enough but once it did 4 defeated party animals dragged their tired feet to bed.

Ive quickly come to realise that Toronto is alot like Melbourne back in Australia, it has a similar culture, the city itself is nearly identical in look and layout and the weather go’s through about 10 different seasons daily. I genuinely feel that i could live here fulltime as i absolutely love Melbourne so no doubt ill love Toronto as well.

I think i might end this stint here as ive got several very important things to do, getting eats and prowling through Chinatown are high on my list.

Brendan

Clear eyes, full hearts, cant lose.

Structured Rant Take 2

Its been quite sometime since I have written anything but I’ve randomly been inspired to get back on my soapbox and chain words together once more.

Life, what exactly is it?? I know I’m no expert but in the near 23 years I’ve been wandering this earth owning souls on Xbox 360, getting random ink and attempting to make something of myself I have often tried to determine the meaning of life; or at least the purpose of life. I’m still not 100% certain if I’m on the right page or even sure if I’m in the right book but I truly believe that life isn’t about the longevity of your time but the life that you put into that time. I’d much prefer to go out with a bang then to have my candle slowly flicker out and die.

I think the main thing is getting the most out of your days, it could be all over in the blink of an eye so why sit back and play it safe, the last thing I want to be doing is wondering what could have been. Take that chance even if it is a little crazy, who knows what could come from it…there’s no novelty in normality after all.

I can never truly understand why people contemplate taking their own life, and I can’t judge people for doing such things because at the end of the day it’s your life and you live or die by your actions. I’ve just learnt from my own personal experiences that no matter who you are you will go through things that will seriously test who you are as a person. Life is full of hardship, I’m still bitter that Jenna Jamison didn’t get an Academy Award for her performance in Zombie Strippers. In all seriousness life as difficult as it can be at times is a gift, not from god but from your parents, you literally have the world at your feet so embrace it. Become that police officer or movie star you wanted to be when you were 10 (I wanted to be a Ghostbuster and actually made people call me Peter Venkman…come to think of it I still wish I was out bustin ghosts). Don’t hold back on chasing your goals but remember that a dream only lasts for a night, it’s you that turns those aspirations into reality.

I’m not one to dwell too heavily on the past, the way I see it the past is just that, behind us, done and dusted…you need to look forward into the great unknown…I admit I used to be scared shitless at the thought of the future, hell thinking any further than a week ahead made me cower like a 10 year old boy at the Neverland Ranch (too soon??) but over the past few years I have learnt to embrace the uncertainty…live for the moment, yesterday is gone and we tomorrow is a world away.

Remember life is short, do whatever makes you happy regardless of what people say about you or your actions. No matter how hard you try there will always be someone with an objection. When it’s all said and done you have to live with yourself.

I’m off to go hunt ghosts, laters world

Something i never thought would be read

The way you seem to make time stand still
with the simplest of words
I’m captivated, I hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache
That hang from above
The way your hair falls around your face
Framing utter perfection
The strands in your eyes
That colour them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath away
like flawless diamonds thrust towards the sky
never revealing their depth
The way you look at me
The way you gently smile
I feel myself surrendering
and yet im not afraid
The way you give me no choice
but to fall for you
and embrace it
To feel for you
and need it
addicted to those simple things
that make you beautiful

Untitled

A memory burned within, from a heartfelt second ago
A moment…one single moment that only a heart can remember
A fleeting thought, gone astray, but the feeling urges inside you
A boy and a girl…so far apart, so long the days
That it took their hearts to remind them…
How fortunate they are, that a heart
Can return a fleeting thought
One single moment, or a memory burned within…
So they can now live as one
As only inside true love, can such a past remain
Until…it’s found again

Redefining Whats Beautiful

We carefully search for beauty where beauty never even stood I never did attain it, I knew I never could the simple shapes of earth cannot satiate my need I need true beauty, beauty like the world can never see mirrors lie and people judge the faults they themselves reflect pointing out my problems while ignoring their own regrets Beauty is elusive, serpentine and rare We find angelic features aplenty but true beauty isn’t there Reflected not by mirrored glass, but in our own good deeds True beauty lies locked deep within our souls And love is the only key…

The Man Behind The Mask

A mask of plastic happiness often covers his sadness
His beliefs hidden from most
Afraid of, but willing to face the unknown
Wondering where his place is in this life
He has come close to sharing himself
Never completely revealing anything to anyone
Feelings of invisible chains corner him
When he dreams, reality shatters before his very eyes
Accomplishments he strives for just at hands grasp
He feels lost sometimes, not yet finding his notch in this world
At times the glimmer in his calm eyes slowly disappears
But within his heart a silent flame burns him inside and out
He roams day by day, playing roles
Strength unknowningly resides in him
History repeats itself once again
The translucent veil he so proudly wears
Little by little answers will come, pushing it aside
One day there will be no mask for him to wear
One day his beliefs will be known
One day he’ll know his place in this life
One day he will share himself
One day this mask will be gone…

The Abstinence Challenge

Day 1

So its day 1 of the brilliant scheme I devised over the weekend…and when I say brilliant I probably mean stupid. Anyways this is how it goes, no sexual activity at all in any way shape or form…both with someone or solo. Its a $20 buy in with the last person to break taking it all.

There are 5 labrats taking part in this challenge, them being:
Myself
Sammy 1 shot
Brentos
Glenn
Mat

Its kinda sad that all the boys I know declined, regular masturbation and potential sex apparently cannot be defeated by this inner journey 5 men are about to undertake. 1 can only imagine the spiritual and physical changes that will occur, this is the next step in evolution…and the rest of you boys are living in the past.

So anyways onto day 1…

It was surprisingly easy, no urges to throw down, a few longings for self love but nothing a few solid hours or xbox 360 can’t counter. Sam and brent were with me as well so it was made a lot easier…2nite is the real test, my first nite alone and im staying in a foreign place…damn you junior thrash and your no longer hidden porn collection.

Wish me luck kids, im in it for the long haul…that prize money is as good as mine.

Day 2

So here we are 2 days into what could be a long and painful journey. 2 days isn’t very long but when I spent most of today by myself my brain went crazy…2 days equals 48 hours which translates to 2880 minutes, that sounds like an eternity…I hate you abstinence.

Im still at jimmy thrashs place, its a beneficial situation as im less eager to ride the pleasure train in a foreign environment…but that hasn’t stopped me before. Copious amounts of xbox 360 with junior thrash has kept my mind and also my hands deterred.

Im starting to find out that the hardest part of this is not the feeling obtained from an orgasm but the freedom of doing it when you please.
Its a long hard road out of hell but im built for endurance…each step I take is 1 step closer to a bag of monaaaayyyy

Should I win this drinks are on me kidlets
Xx

Day 3

72 hours in and im feeling surprisingly good, we had a late entrant into the game with Troll joining the fray…I can’t help but feel he has the advantage as he is about as sexual minded as a 8 day old corpse.

My current drifter lifestyle is kinda helping me in this game as a new change of scenery doesn’t allow me to get comfortable enough to go for a spot of indoor fishing…completely off topic there’s a leak in the roof in my bedroom, I woke up soaking wet…fuck my life.

Im starting to ponder about this force building up inside me…I wonder if this is what pregnancy is like?? Im not going thru the moodswings but I did have a ridiculous craving for chinese.

Im starting to wonder how long this could potentially go for…weeks?? Months?? Who knows…I shudder at the thought.

I just realised how much of a random rant that just was…maybe abstaining leads to insanity, might explain priests becoming paedos.

Day 4

All I can say is Street Fighter IV, this sumbitch has consumed my entire day…caused me to lie about why I couldn’t get to a job interview (relo was in a car accident) and has kept my mind somewhat clear of sexual thoughts.

Actually now I think about it that’s an outright lie, CGI characters have never looked so hot, watching Chun Li bounce around the screen kicking, punching and moaning has now been burnt into my mind…damn you you japanese kung fu super star…why must you be so cute with your nice bust, firm legs and wrist spikes.
Gaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

Im still taking up residence at Casa Del Thrash, I woke up with sneakily placed Penthouse mags throughout the bedroom…damn you Jimmy and your pants stirring games. Airbrushed models in the nekkie wherever I looked, it was like pandoras box…lucky my willpower outweighed my curiousity.
Maybe I won’t be so lucky next time…

2nite im going to Hot Damn and Renji has some sick games planned…secretly im hoping he’s invited Hayden Panettiere along cos id gladly throw down $20 for that pretty lady.

Hayden if you’re reading this come save me from this abstinence hell.

Day 5

So here I am lying on Brents couch reflecting on the past 5 days but mainly focusing on the past 24 hours. Thursday nite, Hot Damn…usually a place of fun but for some reason last nite just felt slower than usual. I don’t know if it had something to do with the continuous fighting amoungst the boys of whether its because the thought of anything sexual is deemed immoral right now, either way last nite felt lacking in every aspect of the word.

I kind of felt like I was on the outside looking in, seeing fellow abstainers Brent and Sam swapping body fluids for most of the nite was quite a sight, they were pushing it to the limits and getting their fix however they could with their ladettes for the evening…I however decided to seek comfort with my old friend vodka. God how I have missed you my Russian friend, its been too long and im thankful you were there to support me through my journey of anti sexual exploration.

My brains been running wild the past few days, mixed emotions of fear and hope do battle in my subconcious…a game of cat and mouse, brain vs penis…my head is currently winning the battle but the question is will it win the war??

No matter where I seem to turn there is sexual undertones in everything…The Simpsons just mentioned temptation island for god sakes…damn you to hell you yellow 4 fingered freaks.

Self doubt is an evil thing, as is self control seems both of them are evenly flowly thru these orgasm deprived veins…starting to wonder if sex is quite possibly the worst addiction on this planet.

God is cruel and no doubt probably having a 10 way orgy as I write this…damn you you higher being earth creating fuck.

Day 6

Holy shit its day 6 of the no play adventure, we lost Glenn 2day…poor boy went down with a case of white water wristing…secretly I think im a little jealous.
The junkie in me is screaming for a hit, just a few minutes of play time, it won’t hurt anybody…I still stand by my opinion that the orgasm is the ultimate high in this world, a state of nirvana that cannot be touched or compared to.

Anyone know a reliable dealer??

Again I find myself thinking about how long this wait could potentially be, is it possible to become a virgin through lack of use?? Does it stop working without regular servicing?? My brain is overrun with these ideas and scenarios…imagine if it just fell off after a while.

Im starting to actually find it easier as the days go by, I thought id be going crazy by now but im coping really well…either that or im so far into denial I just believe whatever I deem worthy.

On a side note my showers are now a few minutes quicker…im all about water conservation and doing my thing for the environment.

Oh and my love goes out to the lord of scat Anthony “iwannapooonyou” Day…he finished up with ASB 2nite…all the best my brother xxx

Day 7

Well here I am a week into the challenge and let me start things off by saying a big HAHA to all you nay sayers who didn’t think I could see out 7 days. Now im gonna get on the rant for a little bit here but I apoligise in advance.

Im just going to outline just how big a thing 7 days without throwing down is, ill try make it as simple as I can…on the scale of 1 to 20 its about a 65 on the holy shit meter.

You see masturbation is almost like oxygen to the male species, its not just a way of life, it is life. Hell I know a few friends who probably slam more than they shower.

Now I know some girls enjoy a bit of a solo session themselves but they are nowhere near as bad as males, only a small percentage of females do it while pretty much the only guys who dont pull are either amputees or dead. Girls it seems are much more hesitant or secretive about their personal sexual activity while guys openly go on about highway slams…yes I said highway slam, I know some of you are curious as to what that is…picture playing with yourself while driving, quite risky and not to be attempted by novices.

So here I am, 1 week down, my internal tank probably overflowing but im feeling quite good. Going from an every day man to nothing hurt me pretty bad at first, having a shower or going to bed without some self love took some getting used to but im handling it all fine. Sure the urge is there but I at least for the time being have it under control.

Day 8

So its the start of a new week, 8 days in and im still standing strong. Ill be the first to admit that I had my doubts if I would make it this far…regular playtime was part of my life for a few years now but I’ve given up cold turkey.
Thinking about it I wish they had some form of patch or chewing gum to help ease the cravings…imagine that, orgasm gum, couple of chews and BAM jizz in your pants!!! I think many people would be taking regular visits to the dentist…myself included.

I think I should patent that idea now, Cum Gum I can see it taking its place right beside the Juicy Fruit.

It seems life is really trying to headfuck me wherever I turn, I logged onto WoW today for the first time in weeks and I was greeted by Slam Alert…that’s something I could use for this challenge cos im starting to wonder if the other boys are doing the dirty behind my back…I guess I just have to rely on the honour system.

So its 7.32pm, ill be going to bed in a few hours and once again won’t be playing before sleep times…last nite I was up to 3am tossing and turning…and not the tossing id like to be doing.

Im starting to firmly believe an orgasm acts almost like natural valium, a trip straight to heaven (even if its only for 10 seconds), a reliever of pain no matter how severe…god I miss those leg lock, crazy moan, eyes rolling back, head twitch, body shaking moments.

What’s everyones thoughts on the following: 10 days gives 1 get out of jail free card?? I promise ill be good :)

Day 9

So here I am at the 9th day of my quest for purity and all I can say at this point in time is that its been a great day…woke up early and got ready for my job interview, totally killed it and have a few jobs to pick from now, had some killer convos with some cool people and am now chillaxing at Casa Del Thrash watchin jimmy and benj rebuild a bike motor…life is sweet; apart from the fact im overflowing with man essence.

On the topic of the 5 star Casa Del Thrash resort I have taken junior thrash under my wing, he’s a good kid with a heart of gold. He’s been sheltered from the outside world it seems but its my aim to open his eyes and show him the funner things in life that doesn’t revolve around WoW…oh oh and also land him the cute girl next door that im pretty sure he’s been crushing on. Eliza if you’re reading this your days are numbered…

As I lay here on the swing couch I take in the mechanical convo going on between the boys…I never knew fixing shit was so damn sexual…the terms bush, expansion chamber, shaft, flange and lube are bein tossed around like stripper dollars in a noody bar.

Backtracking a bit while I was having my morning shower today I had the biggest urge to get a little dirty while I was getting clean…you have no idea how badly I want to play, I started weighing up having a sneaky sneaky but my conscience got the best of me…its for the good of the world, im raising this cum baby til its right and ready to enter the world…that time may be 9 months it may be another 9 days…either way im winning this damn challenge.

My life at present consists of chillin with my favourite kids and copious amounts of xbox 360…I spent an hour last nite making the perfect femme fatale in soul caliber 4…cute as hell with big eyes and a cheeky smile, lurking behind that smile is 1 crazy bitch who will carve you up like a christmas roast should the challenge be made. Now to find this girl in the real world :P

Apart from this 1 not allowed to engage in play time rule my life is going well, finally living in sydney just feels right to me, surrounded by the best people in the world and meeting rad new people everyday leaves me with a smile on my face as I go to sleep at nite.

And penis if you are reading this…I am truly sorry at the sudden lack of attention you are receiving, I love you and its nothing personal I hope one day things will be like they once were and we can enjoy 1 anothers company like old times, I miss those times where we used to just chill out and watch movies (or the 1st 3 minutes of them)…regardless of what you think im here for you and always will be.

Day 10

Today signifies many important things, late nite halo sessions (wait that’s every nite), hump day but most importantly it marks the day I enter double digits…I really can’t believe 10 days have gone by, the first couple were as about as good as picking your ass with a chainsaw but the last few days have been fucking amazing.

I don’t know what’s brought on this natural high but I for one aint complaining, my general feeling is good…well not as good as the feeling of friction on your sex bits but I have quite the optimistic attitude nowadays.

Maybe im just being to naive but im starting to feel like I could genuinely abstain for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong I shudder at the thought of not being able to get a shot off, hell if it was possible id just sit at home and shoot every day; I just feel like I broken my previous routine and don’t really feel the urge to go back to it right now.

Having so much time off work has been sending my brain a touch wild at times, random ideas and thoughts (I still believe cum gum would bring a smile to everyones face and lead to not only a lot of messy pants but also me taking over the world) but a few serious subjects run through my mind as well…if I don’t use it do I in fact lose it?? For every erection wasted does a starving child in Africa die?? Does all the wasted fluids disappear or do they build up inside me; and if they do will it eventually come out my ears and nose??

No in all seriousness the division between me and my penis mirrors a few things that are happening in real life. As much as I try to deny it or look past it, things just aren’t how they used to be, egos that were once left at the door have now found their way inside. Attitudes have changed and there’s more division here than at a calculator orgy…its strange that I can compare this to abstinence but the more I think about it the more sure I am.

The days of constant bromance seem like a distant memory (just like that knee buckling feeling of shooting your seed). Things might not be the same as they once were but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less, you guys just like my penis are a part of me and a massive part of my life that I don’t ever want to lose…lets face it who wants to pee out of a hole where your junk used to be.

I think its time to push all the petty bullshit aside and hug it out…after all this is a family and god I do miss all the communal shower slams.

Hoorah!!!

Day 11

I know this blog is technically day 11.5 but partying took priority last nite. Im starting this blog by saying fair thee well to Sam “renji” Abraham…he joined the pleasure train yesterday and painted his bathroom a pale shade of off white. The challenge is now down to 3 men…myself, troll the 9ft giant with the dying tree stump like penis and brent the only dude with muscles in places that I don’t even have places.

So another day down, another notch on my belt…and by notch I mean day without any sexual interaction. Im still feeling pretty positive about this whole abstaining business, its getting a lot easier to deal with but the occasional thought of a quick slam still pops into my head from time to time. Im starting to think of how its gonna feel when I finally do actually get to play will it feel the same as it once did?? Is it just like riding a bike or do I go back to being on training wheels?? I feel like im most probably losing all my flow, brendans mojo is fading…that thought scares the shit out of me.

Moving on…

Last nite we got the crew together and decided to hit up Hot Damn…our original aim was to get there early to avoid the rush; Benji and I smashed a bottle of Russias finest vodka on the way in while singing tunes from the great (HED) P.E. We got there at 8.30pm but so did the rest of Sydney, deadset the biggest cue I have ever seen…over an hour waiting in a line is not my idea of fun, had my bottle of solo infused vodka with me though so it wasn’t all bad. It seemed we would never get in…luckily Renji came to my rescue and snuck me in as a guest…I love you 1 shot.

I have never seen that club that packed in my life…you couldn’t swing a cat or a penis in there. The usual tramps, fights and constant flow of drinks kept me entertained til the wee hours of the morning. The night was surely 1 to be remembered, saw a lot of friends who I haven’t seen in forever which was grrreeeaaattt…the worst part was my god damn chest pains, they came out of nowhere and fuckkkk me they destroyed me…deadset it felt like I was having a heart attack. Ohhhhhhh and I kinda had a little preorgasm due to New York Slice the besterest pizza place around EVER….I don’t think it counts though as I didn’t follow through.

Last nite was a bit hard…not gonna lie, I had several people whisper dirty secrets into my ear…it seems a select few are trying to take my abstinence, I feel like im prey with a big bullseye on my chest, getting hunted by a pack of hormone filled she devils…god help me.

If anyone sees my face on wanted posters let me know.

Day 12 + 13

Alritey kids its the 12th installment of my days being abstinent, I’ve made this bad boy a double header because of a few reasons, 1. Being I have pretty much slept most of Friday away and 2. Because I haven’t really done anything excited and don’t want to bore you all too much.

Im just 1 sleep short of pulling up the 2 week anniversary of my last pleasurable experience…its a feeling that I long for but know deep down inside this is for the best; and by best I mean the lesser of 2 evils…im starting to believe that everything should be in moderation, too much sex or slamming takes away from the end result, I’ve been analysing everything the past 13 days…does a longer build up lead to a greater orgasm or does it just not matter?? Does abstaining make you appreciate the act of love more?? Or is all this junk building up inside me just fucking with my train of thought and just making me hold cumming higher than it actually is…who knows when the time does eventually cum (like that sneaky little change in spelling) for me to pop the cork im starting to wonder if its going to be the biggest anticlimax this side of Y2K.

Its almost like a science experiment haha.

.. to shoot the ceiling
Method: continual friction on ones sexual organs until ejaculation is achieved.
Results: tba
Conclusion: tba

Im still feeling fairly positive about this whole situation, I thought id be gnawing my arm off by now; the occasional nibble does occur don’t get me wrong but im holding strong. Id like to be holding other things but I just can’t right now…fuck my life.

If you hadn’t already noticed a large portion of my current life is spent playing sexbox 360…its an escape from this dried up reality and also a good way to chill with my boys. I’ve been playing a lot of Fable 2, for those not familiar with the game its a fantasy type game where you control every aspect of your character, its like living a 2nd life…I was up to 7.30am this morning living out my game dreams. I got marrried and then sat trying to work out how to get cheeky with my housewife Amy.

About 45 minutes ticked by as I got jealous of my cgi based alter ego as he went from town to town fighting the good fight, he’s adored and renown across all the land for his heroic deeds, girls swoon and got week at the knees at the sight of Brendan “Lionheart”. I have become my own enemy, at war with myself…Lionheart is living the life I long for.

Woooaahhh talk about a lot of annoying alliteration.

So anyways my toon and his beloved wife Amy finally consumated the marriage today, the option came up for protected or unprotected sex…I didn’t have any medieval condoms on me so Lionheart rolled the dice and went in bareback envy soon followed…20 minutes later I found out my woman was pregnant…envy soon subsided.

Yeh I know that was random but it just ties in so well to my life at the moment, I think abstaining is definately the safe bet…especially when im so busy with all my heroics and kind hearted acts I haven’t got time for sexy times.

Tonight looks like its just gonna be a quiet night in, Mr. Silence and I are going for Thai then hangs at Casa Del Thrash on the amazing swing chair…avoiding Trash cos im scared of getting attacked by abstinence thieves. Im gonna leave this blog here for now, feel free to leave me some feedback.

Oh and by the way Mumma Thrash is better than you!!!!

Day 14 + 15

Well 2 weeks down and I can honestly say I didn’t think id get this far…I was quite the chronic and regular slam lord (just like every other living male) but I’ve turned the page, hell im not even reading the same book no more. This has become more of a personal journey than a challenge to win some coin…don’t get me wrong extra paper is always good but im more interested in seeing how long I can keep the beast at bay.

Taking on this challenge I immediately thought of the movie 30 days and 30 nights with josh hartnett…it painted a picture of paranoia and general batshit craziness from abstaining; to be honest that scared the shit out of this boy. But instead over the past 15 days I have been faced with a urges to jerkin the guerkin here and there but apart from that I’ve just been going through day to day life without a hassle.

I think the whole wanting to cum fiasco has taken a backseat to the rest of my life, I’ve begun to realise how important it is to have your shit sorted…my spontaneous decision to move to sydney may not have been the smartest decision I have ever made but its just how I am, the good thing is that it has made me let go of everything and just move forward…lifes too short to just expect shit to happen you gotta carve your own path and blaze your own trail. Its all new to me up here, new surroundings, new people and very shortly a new job im gonna give this the best shot I can cos I don’t wanna die wondering…the sexy times can wait.

As I sit in the back of the benji’s sexcel with nu metal from the late 90s blaring it gives me some time to fully take the past few weeks in…I’ve learnt a lot in such a short amount of time. I’ve realised how much I prefer sweet chills compared to loud ass scene clubs, I’ve realised just how truly amazing the people in my life, I’ve realised that junior thrash may very well end up being a serial killer rapist and last but not least I’ve realised that sex isn’t everything…sure its amazing and for those brief seconds during climax it feels like you’re on another planet and nothing can top that exact moment but hell nothing in this world can beat good times with great people.

P.S benji, thrash and I are on our way to Checkers for the world famous grog bog…what’s a grog bog I hear you ask?? Well picture an orgy with 10 of the hottest people on the planet in your mouth and that gives you a tiny idea of the greatness of this snack…this badboy consists of a hotdog bun filled with hot chips, gravy, bacon and cheese…if you’re feeling adventurous you can get chicken nuggets thrown on as well.

Mouth orgasm here we come!!!!!

Day 16 + 17 + 18

Ill first start this rant off by apoligising…I’ve been a tad lazy the past few days and haven’t blogged about the challenge so im back with a vengeance pumping out as much verbal diarrhoa as I can for my loyal readers (all 7 of you) can sift through at your leisure.

The challenge at the moment is in disaster mode, its hard to stay strong while everyone around me pwning from sunrise to sunset, the human muscle machine brent is now gone from the challenge, he threw it away for some late nite tang, personally I woulda chosen the tang you buy from woolies that’s soluble in water but meh each to their own.

So im standing tall in this challenge, with 2 dudes left, troll and matt…im kinda uncertain about this whole honour system now, deep down im thinking that they have been secretly been tweaking it since day 1…this game started about earning some quick and not so easy coin but I’ve sorta taken it as a personal journey trying to grow and advance myself.

Haha I just read that last line…fuck I sound like a homo, don’t get me wrong it sounds corny as hell but I genuinely believe in this abstaining thing…im just uncertain about the expiry date of this no playtime dealio.

I used to look down at my little guy and acknowledge our unspoken agreement we had, I look after him he look after me…now im just greeted with looks of disgust and hatred, kinda scary getting the evil eye from a body part and the person in your life who would never leave you. I wonder if when the time does come to unleash the beast once again if he will cooperate with me…I know personally that im a stubborn little shit and that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…hell he’s a branch off the damn tree.

Please work like you used to my favourite little guy, I promise ill treat you right, give you funky new haircuts and keep you clean…just don’t forget our agreement.

On other news looks like I’ve sorted out future employment, will be signing my new contract this week…can’t fucking wait, new car, new job and money rolling in again :)
Me and a few of the boys are house hunting as well, narrowed it down to a few choices all in the western sydney area…once a pad is found there will no doubt be a little shindig at the “sup” house. Its gonna be sad leaving Casa Del Thrash but can’t wait to have my own little pad again…SHOTGUN master bedroom!!

I think im gonna watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno again…such a great movie, will probably stir up too many sexual thoughts in my deprived mind but hell a boy can dream and fantasize all he wants. You could make some serious dollars in the porn industry, I think Emissary may need to branch out and start makin movies. A few of my friends could star and won’t even need to change names Jimmy Thrash Marcus “Hungdaddy” Zaiter and Benji “Destroyer of the Poon” Silence will be my lead actors and Sammy 1 Shot can be the stuntcock for all those daring manuevers.

I can see it now Emissary presents “White Man Can’t Hump”

Auditons for remaining cast members are open now so feel free to enquire.

Day 19 + 20 + 21

Well here i am 3 weeks has come and gone and im standing tall yet again…my blogs have become less and less constant as i dont really have a whole lot to write about at present. My life aint that exciting…theres only so many ways i can describe my Xbox sessions and random fantasies…not having a job or a car is my main problem cos im just confined to Casa Del Thrash until someone comes home to chaufeur me around haha….what a life huh.

Im still dodging imagery wherever i turn…im pretty sure i saw 2 flies going at it this evening, sexual inuendo seems apparent no matter what im doing, chicken “breast” fillets for dinner, invitations to naval functions with “finger food” available, “smooth pussies” at clubs…and i mean the shot you dirty perverts. Get this i had a job interview at Chubb on Thursday…talk about a smack in the face (and in the pants might i add), well regardless of how ironic this is it seems i now have a job with Erection…i mean Boner, shit Chubb silly me. My woes of being jobless and carless are over, company car yet again…god i love free shit.

Im sitting here at 2am and all is quiet at Casa Del Thrash, not a creature is stirring…apart from a restless penis. My body clock is so fucked at the moment, due to not working im constantly up til the wee hours of the morning, 3am is probably the equivalent of 9pm or something to a normal person…my time has gone from being consumed soley by Xbox 360 but now its more evenly divided between that and my other baby Emissary. Big things in store for my little project, new everything which im rather excited about…

This abstaining thing was originally started as a challenge amoungst the boys but it seems im the only one left standing, im trying to work out when to end this thing…do i just hold out for as humanly long as possible or should i put a date to it?? At this point in time im gonna be as cliche as i can and say im gonna go for 41 days…Josh Hartnett aint got shit on me!!!!!

So im done with Fable 2…completely finished that sum bitch….my wife Amy and little daughter Benji got killed in the end, they will be missed but at least now the envy and jealousy of watching Brendan “formerly known as Lionheart now known as King” throwing his woman around the bedroom for hours on end has gone. Even video game Brendan is abstinent now, SUFFER!!!! mwahahahahaha

Well it looks like im just about halfway through my loveless journey, fuck my life the end seems like an eternity away.

Day 22 + 23 + 24 + 25 + 26 + 27 + 28 + 29

Ok so its official, I have taken out the challenge…Mat submitted last week to a bit of sneaky sexual satisfaction, he even msgd me to see if it counted that he pulled out b4 he came…2 points for effort and minus 5 points for leaving your lady unsatisfied.

While I have taken out all my enemies 1 still remains, my nemesis, Josh Hartnett. The unstoppable force vs the immovable object. 12 days Josh, 12 days until I take your title and prove to everyone who the real man is…that is if my junk still even works, does anyone have an instruction manual I could borrow??

6 days of freedom is all I have left, Chubb…yes Chubb is my new homebase for workies, I am well aware of the irony but hell it pays the bills and gives me a free car…life is great, apart from the headache raping my skull…someone bring me some painkillers.

So here I am, another night rocking my life away on the swing chair, its my happy place, I just lie down here, ponder life and let my troubles fly away. Im still taking up residence at Casa Del Thrash and I really do enjoy it here, great people in an even greater atmosphere…really excited to get our own pad complete with swing chair in the lounge room :)

Its kinda funny how in the space of a month your mind can totally go from being a sexual fiend to almost saint like, cheeky thoughts would frequent my mind but nowadays im all about the good times, no doubt after these 41 days are over I will probably slip right back into my fiend mind, just like riding a bike I think…I still worry that I’ve lost all my flow, I could just be a dud now.

Can anyone tell me how long it takes to become a virgin again?? Cos im starting to get worried and scared of my next sexual experience, I feel like im 14 again about to take the plunge into manhood…I hope it doesn’t end similar to that fateful day when I was shown the door by my girlfriends father, quite possibly 1 of the scariest times of my life…that shit warps a young teens mind let me tell you.

Sorry this blog probably sux, I have a headache and feel icky…so nerrr.

The Final Days…

So here I am, rounding the final bend of this 41 day journey, I feel like I’ve gone to hell and back and when I wake up tomorrow morning im once again allowed into heaven. Those pearly gates are gonna be a lot whiter when im done 2mrw haha.

I sit here and wonder exactly how intense will this actually be, will I have enough to paint my house or will it just be like a snake bite…only a tiny amount of venom, but deadly enough to kill 200 people. Haha imagine that, the man with the snake penis…who will tame such a wild beast?? I guess it could work as a snakes venom is only bad news when it enters the blood stream, if its taken orally its all good in the hood…random fact ey, im full of them.

Aaannnyyyways back onto the topic at hand…yes hand, the tool that will service my tool which may quite possibly drown me in the process. Man I veer off track a lot, what im trying to say is that this 40 days of abstinence has done me a lot of good. Not the good that comes from a leg shaking, roof moving, earth destroying ride on the pleasure train…but good in the form of mental clarity. You see I no longer feel obligated to choke the chicken or stroke the shaft, no longer do I feel the need to spank the monkey, empty the blue veined custard chucker or to put it more bluntly….slam the shit out of myself until I do my best reinactment of mt vesuvius.

Back to the moral of this story…

What have I learnt from this loveless challenge…let me think. I’ve learnt that some people can’t go without the need to stick things in other people (yes that’s you reecey boy) and how some people can’t go without a cheeky shower slam here n there (big money) and some people just don’t like not having the freedom to do a combination of the above when they please (the rest of my boys). I’ve also learnt that I have will power much stronger than I had thought…I didn’t think id see out the week, I thought id be clogging the drain at casa del thrash in no time. But the white man held his head high and marched on…no im not a racist my last nite is white incase you crackers didn’t know.

So here I am, at the conclusion of my excellent adventure about to embark on a bogus journey (yes bill and ted fuckin rules so handle it) and you know I feel good. Sure my job is annoying me a little bit with all their strict ass rules and homo tightass wanker legislation and I feel like I need to lose some weight and im secretly hoping its a 5kg load im about to unleash but apart from those things I find myself with a constant dumb smile on my face, the people in my life mean the world to me and the ones I love and care for are nothing short of amazing….

I hope the journey was as interesting for you as it was for me, im sorry the blogs got less frequent and probably more random (due to my newly developed craziness) but I’ve tried my best to convert my thoughts and feelings into words. I might write another blog about the big finale but if no1 hears from me tomorrow its a fair chance I’ve died by my own hands, sexual suicide, sounds kinda romantic don’t it.

Wish me luck world im about to exorcise a demon.

The Blog Virgin

So here i am, stepping into the world of the online blogger, i feel like a new born seeing light for the first time and im the first to admit that shits bright. I dont know if anyone will actually read these things but if you do, bare with me as just like a baby i need to learn to walk before i run…im hoping just like a fine wine these blogs get better with age.

Im not sure if there is an actual structure youre meant to have while writing these suckers so im just gonna spit it out how i see fit, this is MY blog after all, not yours, so nerrr!!!

I dont know exactly what im doing these structured rants for, i guess its just a means to venting or conveying my thoughts and emotions…as before mentioned i was hesitant to do this but a few close friends kinda encouraged me to give it a go so im jumping in headfirst…just like most other things i do in life; heres hoping im not diving into the shallow end.

I guess we could call this part 1 of my livejournal sessions, i dont have a game plan or a set roster as to when im going to try to write or a deadline for a piece, im just gonna cruise along and see what happens; ill get there eventually…

Im going to start by saying a big FUCK YOU to Chubb my new employer, dont get me wrong its a good job and pays well enough for me to live without worrying where my next meal is coming from but they are deadset living in the stone age, im surrounded by various personalities and power hungry succubus’s (can you even pluralise that??) wherever i turn, the ratio of guys to girls is about 8:1 here. I only answer to one person in my job and shes a fiery 4ft nothing blonde hiding grey haired woman named Deborah. She has a nice, kind demenor but hiding beneath the Versace power suit lies something alot more sinister then just nakedness. You see im being made to take my necklace off, yes the same necklace i have been wearing since year 8, remove my plugs from my ears, be clean shaven every day and also i apparently need to get my dark brown locked chopped off. I could be totally wrong as to blame her for these changes being forced upon me, so far my brief tenure with Chubb has been good and Deb hasnt given me a reason to shoot mind bullets at her, she could be getting pushed from above to have me change my appearance so i might give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being. I finally have my hair the way i want it and now i have to conform like some communist, assimilate or die, its like the holocaust all over again!!!

I had quite the awkward moment before. Im at work right and wandered to the kitchen to get a can of Coke from the vending machine, this is an exciting occassion for me cos that liquid is sex in your mouth, itspretty much god…anyways i got my can and was just walking out of the kitchen when i felt the need to tell the world how good it is; “hooray for black gold” i shouted with more passion than a Pavarotti concert only to look up and there was a dark skinned woman right in front of me, i could swear i saw her reach for a knife as my eyed met her glare, i felt like the eye of Sauron had just spotted me, a few nervous seconds ticked by and it felt like an eternity, i was expecting a spear to the chest instead i was greeted with an awkward slightly scary half smile i dumbly grinned back and scampered back to my little hidy hole….the thought of cowering under my desk came to mind but i hide from no man!!!

A voodoo priestess on the other hand is a totally different story…

Im going to start getting this pop punk band rolling in the coming weeks or months, every time i listen to my fave bands it gives me that little piece of motivation and encouragement, not only that it makes me wonder if i can do it better?? Well im done sitting around and i dont want to die wondering, its time to find me some band members and inject the Sydney scene with something thats more fun than a clown orgy. I hope i can find my note book otherwise its back to square one lyricswise. Anyone who can play an instrument or has ideas for totally radtastic band names hit me up!!!!

Looking back at what ive written im unsure as to whether it even makes any sense of is worth a persons time to read but as ive mentioned im on training wheels. I will migrate my old myspace blogs over in the next few days as well, thinking of combining all the Abstinence Challenge sessions into 1 big dont argue read

That reminds me i still need to finish that story off, what a finale it was, talk about fireworks, i lit that place up like a new years eve celebration. Picture a burst fire hydrant…

On that note im gonna close this off here, lunch calls to me from the cafeteria below

“Dedication takes a lifetime but dreams only last for a night” - How true is that god i love you All Time Low